Five things I’m good at…


Or what you may really not wish to know about me…

I found a writing suggestion in my email today from some site I signed up with before I had no time to myself.  It suggested I tell the world five things I’m good at. And since I was in my office at a time I didn’t want to be, I was feeling particularly snarky. Not sharky, though, really, even though I’m sometimes called a “land shark” I’m really a dolphin… dolphins kill sharks.

Farting.  I fart really well. In fact, after eating refried beans, I may be able to hold my own in a dog fart contest.  Only I am not known for the Silent But Deadly form perfected by pooches. No, when it comes to farts mine are more like the Let ‘er Rip and Watch the Paint Peel Off the Walls type. This means I fit in quite nicely with my SIL and grandkids who specialize in various loud body noises.

Belching.  I used to be able to participate in the who can belch loudest contests in the family before I had a gastric bypass.  Now the champ is either my SIL or oldest granddaughter. These days I have this hic-burp thing that happens now and again that sounds sort of like some guy with a jack hammer. Once I tried putting my hand over my mouth and the air came out my nose and my nose felt like it was quivering like a horse’s flared nostrils. I’m probably lucky my eyes didn’t pop out.

Being a smart-mouth. I corrected an essay where the decedent husband kept arguing various points of law after his demise. I first highlighted the error, then commented he was starting to smell, and by the end of the piece, observed he was rotting and it was time to put him in the coffin. I am the last person you want to tell that you just read the “Comma Sutra” This is a genetic quality common to all members of the Cox clan I hale from.

Humor. I have a wicked sense of humor. No one is safe from it. I serve myself up as easily as anyone else. My humor hero is George Carlin, sans most of the swearing, as humor does not depend upon vulgarisms, damn it! The bad part about combining a smart mouth and humor is that you can end up popping off in front of a judge or someone important and then pray they don’t hear you or think “that nice little old lady couldn’t have said that.”  Please do not give me the opening, it’s in my blood and formative training, I will take it.

Cold feet.   If you were married to me you’d know the curse of the frozen female feet. My cure?  Without a convenient husband to warm them on – or a 3 dog night event when the dog is cowering under my bed hiding from the rolling thunder –  I wear thick socks and sometimes woolen slippers to bed lest the foam mattress get so cold it turns into a brick.

That’s it!  Now I’m cleansed of all ennui and wait…what’s that smell….

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4 comments

  1. I am of the opinion that there are certain bodily functions best left to the imagination. Not worthy of mention. Like women farting! Or ever actually doing anything more than applying make-up whilst in the bathroom. Just call me old-fashioned! Still, it’s nice to know that you’re good at something.

    1. Doc, nice of you to stop by. Nicer still you commented on my snark fest. When I read it to my roommate I thought she was going to laugh herself to death. Fortunately, she still breathes.

      Would anyone care if I am so good at make-up that I’ve been told I look like a movie star? Not really.

      And now, with my lemon tea in hand and a fleeting smile on my face, I’m going to go tutor a bar prep student.

  2. He doesn’t need me for that. 8^D Which is just as well as we needed to discuss why he cannot resort to the miracle of resurrection in order to argue a wills and trusts question.

    In terms of the bar – once dead, always dead. No second chances. No dreaming he thought he was dead. No Lazarus moments.

    We had a good laugh over the thought of the body going from rigor mortis to smelling putrid to outright rotting away in the corner while making protracted arguments in a long will and trust challenge.

    When we finished identifying the interest of the trustee and the executor we didn’t need an animated corpse to do the zombie thing. Frankly, I’d rather deal with body noises than a rotting body. LOL

    Oh, okay, I will identify five things I’m good at which might not be repellant.

    I’m an excellent law tutor who gives insights like santa hands out candy canes. I have a great sense of humor since I find life immensely funny most of the time. I’ve generally the patience of a saint. Dogs love me and I love them. Give me a good 45 minutes and I can take at least 10 years off the average woman using make-up.

    Better? Not funny, though.

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